Some days it’s harder to life my chin up

Count my blessings and give thanks

Stay strong and say, “I’m good, I have faith” with full confidence

God I need that today

Tomorrow, I’ll be ok

Today, I need a bit more courage

Olive oil or mascarpone or Brie cheese with fig jam

Where we were planning something warm to make

Together.

And maybe they didnt have milk that day

Or they finally restocked the tteokbokki we were looking for

And plans might change or

Recipes might be tweaked

But regardless of it all

We are still happy cause

What matters in the end is that we are creating something

Something warm and

Full of love

Experimenting with simpler lines

I want to draw with less lines and more defined decisions but it will need more practice T.T

if “I believe you”

came before “I can help you”

I think I may have received it better

I’m trying to write at least one line and draw at least one person per day

starting

now

10 things that make me feel really loved:

1. When they ask me about my grandma

2. When they appreciate my art, especially pieces closest to my heart

3. When they get excited about something I’m passionate about

4. When giving isn’t a mere transaction but an act of mutual love

5. When we laugh together so hard our stomachs hurt and we are out of breath

6. When they sit by me because some things just shouldn’t be experienced alone

7. But they also don’t ask questions for the sake of their own comfort and curiosity

8. When they are loving to my dog (should be number 0)

9. When they’re looking out for me in ways I didn’t realize to look out for myself

10. When they believe my story

but I never want to be afraid of being the one who loves

the most in the room.

and maybe there are also people who will feel entitled to that love

who will take advantage because they always want

more more more

but still.

I will not be afraid

there is no fear in love

only truth.

and we don’t have to explain to each other

It’s easy to feel as though years spent investing, refining, loving something was a waste if it amounted into nothing.

Maybe it’s a sport, a profession, a friendship, a romantic relationship.

Whatever it is, it feels as though if it did not amount to what you thought it would, it was a waste of time. Or that if it ended in spite, none of it was real.

But that’s not true, you know. Life isn’t about the end results – although of course I wish shit always worked out.

It’s about through it all, did I love my hardest? Honor my principles the best I could? Know that I leaned into the truth every day and then made the choices that I did?

It’s upsetting, for sure. Sad, certainly. But a waste of time? Nah… if the value of my time spent was measured by whether the end results were deemed worth it or not, I’d be denying myself of my humanity.

Your love is

Calling me out of breath

To wish me luck on my day

while you’re running to your presentation

As though I’m not ready to feel it

It’s happening

And I’m avoiding it

But I’m also so aware of it’s presence.

I wish I could be lovely and say

Things happen as they do

Let me go with the flow

But instead I grapple and I fight

Because that is also how I love

• I want to work on not being afraid of good things happening – I tend towards self sabotage as a form of self defense when things start to go well… and that sets me up for future failure. So instead, I want to give gratitude for that which deserves, not spiral when I mistakes happen, and not assume that things that happened in the past are sure to repeat themselves
• I want to give celebration to where celebrations are due
• Speak slower
• Make more art
• Stop oversharing – people believe you without having to overshare
• At the same time, be open to being more vulnerable with people you trust
• Surround myself with more people who inspire me
• Deep belly laugh once a day
• Be open to love again

It’s like

If I’m gonna be your scapegoat

At least feed me the good grass

I will write them for myself

And I will share it

So those who want to hear will hear

And those who do not, will not

You haunt me everywhere

Everywhere I look you are there

What’s worse is that when I think I have finally rid of you

You fucking find your way back, always

Your ghost is more selfish than your flesh

How can you keep disproving your love even now

Im tired

I always want to remove myself from situations

Like if I’d rather remove myself than to fight for a spot

What does that say about me

Who’s love language is quality time

When we are young

We think we know what “rest of my life” means

“Im going to remember this for the rest of my life”

“Im going to love this for the rest of my life”

“I want to do this for the rest of my life”

But as I get older I realize

I really don’t know what that even means

By all my unsaid stories

I used to hold onto them because I didn’t want to burden anyone

But now they feel heavy on my chest

Now I wanna scream but no sound comes out

Now I just feel more alone than ever

Sometimes the tears are in front of me

Sometimes they are behind

But the worst is when they are just sitting deep in my chest

A ocean with a steady ebb and flow

Not strong enough to crash

Not gentle enough to go unnoticed

— you were only hydrating before you spoke louder.

You are allowed to feel safe. To feel safe showing not only the good sides of you- that’s too easy- but the raw, messy side of you too. To know that they won’t try to stomp on you when you’re blooming, and won’t take advantage of you when your guard is down. And you get to be all that you have been, will be, and everything in between.

There’s this culture of constantly pushing forward, toughening it out- perhaps because your parents taught you to, or because of your trauma, or people you look up to, or the value of a whole generation- but let me tell you, strength also lies in knowing where and when to rest.

You do not always have to be running away to feel something, and you do not have to stay where you are to keep your pride. You are allowed to feel safe.

It was a forbidden encounter.

I wasn’t supposed to be taking care of your wing anyway, but no one was paying attention to you, no visitors.

“Oh don’t even try, she had a stroke so she can’t talk,” but I knew, I just knew, you still had so much life to live.

So I’d scarf down my lunch early and I’d head over to where you were, and I’d pull out the creaky chair next to you. Your hand in mind- sometimes it was warm and sometimes it was cold- and we would watch Wheel of Fortune.

Whatever the fuck that was, I mean, it’s not even fair that we were watching people spin fortune for money when you were here feeling like your wheel was spun for death, is it going to be today or not today.

Some days you were hurting, and some days you were energetic. But you always bowed your head in thanksgiving, and I always smiled back.

The last day I was there, I went over to your room, and I held your hand for the last time.

It’s my last day, I told you.

“Thank you,” you spoke back to me and it was the first time I had ever heard your voice.

I knew you had a beautiful voice, I only needed to look into your eyes to know.

I gave one last squeeze, take care, and I knew it would be the last time I’d see you.

I don’t know if you are still on this earth now. If you are, I hope you have someone else to watch Wheel of Fortune with.

But your memories live with me. Perhaps it wasn’t your wheel of fortune spinning for death, it was mine spinning for life, to keep you alive in my memories, every single day.

It hits jackpot every time.

You should too

Take up space

“You can love someone and still say goodbye”

– Oprah Winfrey

When you fill more space with gratitude

People from my past have been reaching out. To reconnect, to apologize, to ask questions.

I had a dream last night though. That of all the people who have been trying to reach me, I wish you’d try.

I just wish you’d try so that I can pick up, and before you say anything I’d say “no, you don’t have the privilege to have access to me any more. This time, I’m reclaiming my authority and my power to say, you fucked up and I want you to feel the heaviness of that fact,” and I’d hang up before you could say anything because I don’t care what it was.

That dream repeated over and over last night. Of course, it may never happen. But it felt good to say it regardless, it was a catharsis I– once again– wasn’t aware that I needed, but my spirit knew.

“Humility isn’t thinking of yourself as less, but thinking of yourself less.”

– C.S. Lewis

I’m here full on laughing out loud at a person with a username “humble guy” who’s been trying to pop this beast of a pimple for the past year and 72K+ people are cheering him on like, this is so wholesome and also you need to see a doctor my dude

I refuse to allow you to make me step out of my character”

– Unpack n’ bounceback

Creep – Radiohead

So fuckin’ special
I wish I was special

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here

CHILLS BRO